The Weight Women Carry: Why are we still putting ourselves through this?

By Deirdre Arato, LPC | Therapist and Author

As I begin writing my second book, The Weight Women Carry, coming in 2027, I find myself questioning something I’ve witnessed throughout my career as a therapist, experienced in my own life, and watched my mother endure.

Why do so many women spend their lives making sure everyone else is okay while quietly sacrificing their own dreams, happiness, and sometimes their health?

I’ve sat across from countless women. Wives, mothers, daughters, grandmothers. Women of different ages, cultures, religions, and backgrounds. Yet the commonality in their stories continues to amaze and trouble me.

The majority of women I encounter are carrying some version of the same burden. They’re exhausted, frustrated, lonely, resentful, and sometimes completely defeated. They love their families, work hard, give endlessly, and somehow still feel they’re not doing enough.

Recently, I listened to a young mother describe how she had to pass up a job she really wanted because her family had only one car and her husband needed it for work. Other things she wanted for herself were repeatedly postponed because her children needed something.

Another opportunity lost. Another dream put aside. And as I listened, I thought, How many times have I done exactly the same thing?

How many times have I gone without so everyone else could be okay? Then I thought about my mother and the generations of women before us.

When did a woman’s dreams become the easiest thing for a family to sacrifice?

The Weight Nobody Sees

As a therapist, I understand how deeply our conditioning influences the choices we make. For generations, women have been taught that being a good wife, mother, or daughter means being nurturing, accommodating, selfless, and responsible for everyone else’s well-being.

We learn to anticipate needs, manage emotions, prevent conflict, and hold everything together. And eventually, we become so accustomed to sacrificing that we stop recognizing we’re doing it.

Research confirms that this invisible burden is real. A 2024 study published in ⁠Archives of Women’s Mental Health⁠ found that, among 322 mothers of young children, women reported handling approximately 73% of their household’s mental planning and organizing responsibilities. This unequal mental load was associated with higher stress, depression, and burnout.

The United Nations reported in 2025⁠ that women globally spend approximately two and a half times as many hours on unpaid domestic and caregiving work as men. These statistics reflect something I hear repeatedly in therapy.

Women aren’t simply tired from doing too much. Many are grieving the lives they’ve continually postponed.

Did Women’s Liberation Give Us Freedom—or More Responsibility?

This is a question I believe deserves an honest conversation. Women fought for the right to become educated, pursue careers, build businesses, and achieve financial independence. Those victories were essential. But did our responsibilities at home ever change enough to reflect that progress?

Today, women are professionals, business owners, breadwinners, mothers, and caregivers. Yet how many are still expected to manage the household, anticipate everyone’s needs, and carry the emotional weight of the family?

A 2023 Pew Research Center study⁠ found that even when husbands and wives earn approximately the same amount, women continue to spend more time on housework and caregiving. I don’t question women’s independence. I question why our growing independence hasn’t always resulted in more shared responsibility.

Did we gain the freedom to do everything, only to find ourselves expected to do everything?

And before anyone interprets this as blaming men, that isn’t my intention. There are wonderful husbands and fathers who are equal partners. Men carry pressures of their own. But shouldn’t we be willing to examine the patterns that continue to leave so many women overwhelmed?

My Mother and the Questions I Still Carry

When I think about this, my thoughts always return to my mother.I watched her live with years of worry, fear, pressure, and responsibility. So much of her energy went toward navigating life’s difficulties, often with little room left for herself.

Eventually, my mother developed Alzheimer’s disease.For years, I watched this illness slowly take her away from us.And I still wonder what her life might have looked like if she’d experienced less worry, more support, and more opportunities to simply enjoy being alive.

Something else troubles me.According to the Alzheimer’s Association’s 2026 report⁠, nearly two-thirds of Americans living with Alzheimer’s are women.

Why? Women’s longer life expectancy is one important explanation, and researchers continue examining other contributing factors.

A 2025 study in ⁠Alzheimer’s & Dementia⁠ also found an association between women’s early exposure to structural sexism and faster memory decline later in life.This does not mean that my mother’s stress or years of self-sacrifice caused her Alzheimer’s. We simply cannot make that conclusion. But it certainly makes me want to understand more about how the circumstances women live under may affect their long-term health. I cannot change my mother’s story. But perhaps we can begin changing what future generations of women experience.

Something Has to Give

I am not suggesting that women stop loving, nurturing, giving, or making sacrifices. There is beauty in caring for the people we love. But somewhere along the way, I believe too many of us confused selflessness with self-abandonment. And I include myself in that.

This isn’t about portraying women as victims. It’s about questioning the expectations we’ve inherited and sometimes unknowingly continued. And it’s a conversation that needs to include men. When resources are limited, whose dreams get postponed? When the children need something, whose schedule changes? Who carries the constant worry about everyone else’s needs? And perhaps most importantly, when does someone make a sacrifice so that the woman  in the family can pursue something meaningful to her?

Real change means sharing not only the physical work, but the planning, emotional responsibility, and difficult decisions. It also means recognizing that families need better support, from affordable childcare to workplaces that respect caregiving.

As women, we also need to examine why prioritizing ourselves can feel so uncomfortable, even selfish. We cannot continue celebrating women for how much they endure without questioning why they’re expected to endure so much.

Why I’m Writing The Weight Women Carry

My second book, The Weight Women Carry, is inspired by the countless warrior women I’ve had the privilege of sitting across from, my own experiences, and my mother’s life.

I want to explore how these patterns begin, why we continue repeating them, and how we can finally start doing things differently. Not by blaming men, abandoning our families, or rejecting responsibility. But by recognizing that love should not require us to lose ourselves.

I think about that young mother and all the opportunities she has already surrendered. I think about my mother and the life I wish she’d been able to experience. And now, as a grandmother, I think about what we’re passing on to the next generation.

We have made extraordinary progress as women. But if we continue carrying the same emotional and domestic burdens, have we truly created the freedom we fought so hard to achieve?

We call women warriors. But maybe it’s time we stop asking them to be warriors just to get through everyday life.

Something has to change. Because I don’t want another generation of women waking up one day wondering what happened to the lives they wanted to live. And I suspect I’m not alone.

Deirdre Arato is a licensed professional counselor, trauma therapist, and founder of Blue Lotus Garden of Healing Counseling Center. She is the author of Beauty in the Brokenness: A Journey Back to the Soul. Her second book, The Weight Women Carry, is planned for publication in 2027.